Reflecting

Okay, so I don't ever post and it may be another year before I post again...lol...and I doubt anyone will read this, but I'm posting anyway.

It was a year ago that we got the very shocking news that Jerry needed open heart surgery, immediately. While we've known he was going to have to have it at some point, he had surpassed all the age benchmarks given, so we sort of took it for granted. Needless to say, a year later he's alive and well. The only reminder of his surgery being a scar on his chest. He's terribly self conscious about it, he sees ugly, I see life. Without that scar, he'd be dead. That's no melodrama, folks. Every medical professional we encountered commented that he had presented with every symptom leading to sudden death. Mercifully God didn't let it get that far. So this coupled with the restoration of our marriage, and having healthy children should leave me thankful and feeling blessed and happy, right? Wrong, I'm disgustingly human and while a year ago I was savoring every moment with my husband and family. I'm a year removed and back to taking life for granted. It's sad really. Lots of things have been going on around me that have given me reason to pause and reflect lately. I know a year ago I believed the Lord meant for us to do something with this "second" chance we were given. I prayed that he would reveal to me his plan for us. And while I think he has in bits and pieces, I struggle to hear what he's saying. Don't get me wrong, I don't think we are supposed to save the world and I don't think He expects repayment of sorts. It's just us. I just don't know how yet. A year ago I loved my husband fiercely, today I love him on conditions. A year ago I cherished my children, today I struggle with my patience with them. I don't want a tragedy to make me be the person God means for me to be. I want to be that person right now. So I say I can't hear Him, but clearly He's saying something, or I wouldn't be struggling so much right now. Or maybe I'm just realizing what a sucky person I am, because honestly, my life has never been in a better place and I'm ashamed the way I feel sometimes. We are truly blessed, Jerry has the scar to prove it.